The hickory smoked bacon sizzled across her naked body,

grease slowly penetrating her pores.

Beating my eggs, I couldn’t help but think

“Will I always be yours?”

 

BIRDS DO NOT EAT CHEESE

Whose are better?

Things to keep in mind:

• In n Out’s fries are fresh
• Virtually the same calories / fat / saturated fat (compared to medium fries from McDonalds)
• In n Out’s fries taste better
• You can request different level of doneness for In n Out’s fries

 

 

http://www.travelandleisure.com/articles/americas-best-beer-cities/19

Travel and Leisure should fire everyone involved with making this list.  How on planet earth could San Diego be ranked number 18?

 I started reading this article at number 9, where San Francisco is questionably ranked.  I kept scrolling down the list… 8 , 7 , 6… “oh boy” me says, “San Diego is going to get the credit they deserve!”. 5, 4, 3, 2, no San Diego. Duh, that’s because it’s number ONE!

Portland.

Oregon.

SICK.

There’s plenty wrong with this ranking. San Diego is just clearly the biggest mind-fuck.

 Anchorage is well ahead of SD. Shouldn’t they be making ice wine? Minneapolis??? Right, because nothing quenches your thirst like a pint of “Surly Brew”.

And what prompted these fucktards to rank San Francisco 9 spots higher than San Diego? Anchor and 21st Amendment. That’s fine, whatever. But what does SF have outside of these? Magnolia? Thirsty Bear? I sure do see a lot of beer stores in San Diego stocking up on Beach Chalet beers! They said San Francisco, not Bay Area… so clearly they’re not acknowledging Russian River, Bear Republic, and some of the other breweries that would then warrant a top 10 ranking.

I thought it was common knowledge that San Diego is the best beer city in the U.S., and one of the top overall beer cities in the world. The amount of uneducated alcoholics in this world is mind-boggling.

Stone, Ballast Point, Ale Smith, Port, Green Flash, Coronado… hell even throw in the grandfather of all of them, Karl Strauss.  They deserve better than this. Travel and Leisure has failed them, and they have failed us all.

But then again, who reads Travel and Leisure anyways (besides me apparently)? I know I shouldn’t get so upset over something like this, but if you’re going to compile a ranking of something, do a little homework first. Don’t just crap out a bunch of random cities.

“Bein’ rich is having leftovers. Good leftovers make yo’ tongue fly outta yo’ mouth and smack yo’ brains out.”

 

 

 

 

 

“If ya’ll excuse me for a couple minutes… I’m gunna make love to muh tater.”

Everyone’s got ’em. Some people are proud of them, and some ashamed.  For instance, someone close to me sneaks over to McDonald’s once every 3 months or so for a “S.B.L.” (secret burger lunch).  Whether this person realizes it or not, it is their guilty pleasure.

I embrace my guilty pleasures.  Although I could list countless guilty pleasures of mine, below is a summary of the important ones.

My guilty pleasures:

• Cheez Whiz… it gets a bad rap, but throw this orange gunk over some pasta, dump some cracked pepper over it, and you’ve got yourself a gourmet meal.
• Bagel Bites… the original mini pizza bagel? I have fond memories of coming home after school (2nd-4th grade maybe), eating a half dozen bagel bites, and watching Looney Toons / Animaniacs / Pinky and the Brain / etc etc etc.
• 2 Cheeseburgers with Ketchup Only and Medium Fries from Mcdonalds.  Ate this way too often after school growing up.  It would have continued if my grandma hadn’t intervened and convinced me that McDonald’s patties primarily consist of pig and cow pus. Thanks grandma!
• Stouffer’s Macaroni and Cheese. This was my nightly dinner for a good portion of my youth.  Have I mentioned that I used to be a picky eater?
• Funyuns. Disgustingly good.

One recurring feature this blog will have is a segment we’ll call Album Menus (until I can think of a better name).  In this segment, each song off a specific album will be paired with it’s own unique course. No big deal.  Typically, the album menu will not logically flow.  For example, dessert can come whenever it makes the most sense given the mood / lyrics of a song on said album.  As long as each song is well represented with its own unique dish, then it’s at least a partial success.  If Thomas Keller by chance reads this post and gets a boner, then it’s a complete success.

Ideally, I’ll post a video for each song on the album, but that doesn’t always work, so if a song doesn’t have a real video, then I suggest you download the album by following Billy’s instructions.

Below each video is A) The course for that song B) A brief comment describing the reasons for that course, and C) An alternative vegetarian option.

First up on Album Menus is Akron/Family: Set ’em Wild, Set ’em Free

1) Everyone Is Guilty

-Red Snapper crudo, drizzled with jalapeno vinaigrette.

-This song kicks ass. It makes you wanna snap your fingers and groove.  The jalapeno vinaigrette accentuates the vibe of the song brilliantly.

-Vegetarian Option: Jalapeno Mashed Potatoes

2) River

-Plank Roasted Salmon, with coarse sea salt and rosemary.

-“once this spark met kindling, forgets its gentle ambling. Becoming heat, becoming steam, becoming luminescent glee”.  The Salmon (preferably Copper River salmon), is plank roasted over an open fire.  The coarse sea salt and rosemary accentuate it beautifully. “you and I and a flame make three”… right on.

-Vegetarian Option: Rosemary Mashed Potatoes

3) Creatures

-Cornish Game Hens with Sweet Potato and Sausage Stuffing

-The rhythm of this song sways you back and forth, similar to how a Cornish Game Hen flaps its wings.  “Up and then…” signifies the last flight path the Game Hen took before the hunter shot him “down down down”.  The stuffing accentuates the flavors in the hen splendidly.

-Vegetarian Option:  Mashed Sweet Potatoes.

4) The Alps & Their Orange Evergreen

-Oysters 3 ways: 1) Raw with blood orange mignonette. 2) Barbecued with chorizo and cilantro. 3) Deep Fried: breaded in flour and bacon bits mixture

-A peaceful song, referencing “the sea”, a “water body”, and “swimming”.  The trio of oysters harmoniously accentuate the cleanliness of the song.

-Vegetarian Option: Blood Orange mashed potatoes

5) Set ‘Em Free

-Free Range lemon roasted chicken with Wild Rice.

– “Set ‘em wild, set ‘em free”…it makes too much sense…  The lemon accentuates the chicken subtly, yet perfectly.

-Vegetarian Option: Lemon Mashed Potatoes

6) Gravelly Mountains of the Moon

-Slow Roasted Mountain Goat, with chipotle mole.

-This song begins quite peacefully, like a Mountain Goat awaking from a nap.  It then builds into a wild rush of beautiful noise, like a Mountain Goat clanking his hoofs racing after whatever Mountain Goats eat.  The slow roasted cooking method accentuates the tender meat gracefully.

-Vegetarian Option: Chipotle Mashed Potatoes

7) Many Ghosts

-Linguini with Black Truffles and Butter.

-Many Ghosts is really a great song.  Great songs deserve great ingredients.  The black truffle gives this dish an earthy feel, and the butter accentuates this dish traditionally.

-Vegetarian Option: Black Truffle Mashed Potatoes, with extra butter. Eat your fucking heart out Paula Deen

8 ) MBF (excuse the lack of real video for this “song”)

-Oreo Mud Pie

-Dessert comes early with this mess of a song.  Why does this song exist? It’s awful. The Mud Pie, however, is delicious and the oreos complexly accentuate the texture of the pie.

-Vegetarian Option: Chocolate Mashed Potatoes

9) They Will Appear

-Surf N Turf: 24 oz Peppercorn Crusted Wagyu Porterhouse with Maine Lobster tail.

-This song kicks all sorts of ass and this course will knock you on your ass.  The peppercorn crust accentuates the deliciousness of the beef magnificently.

-Vegetarian Option: Mashed Potatoes with lots of Pepper

10) Sun Will Shine

-Vanilla Flan

-This song is bland. It just doesn’t live up to the majority of songs on this album. The vanilla accentuates the blandness of the flan elegantly.

-Vegetarian Option: Vanilla Mashed Potatoes

11) Last Year

-Shot of Maker’s

-“Last year was a hard year for such a long time, this year’s gonna be ours”.  I’ll drink to that.  The bourbon fiercely accentuates the mood of the song.

-Vegetarian Option: Makers Mark Mashed Potatoes.

1) a combination of contradictory or incongruous words

2) something (as a concept) that is made up of contradictory or incongruous elements

Example: Paula’s Best Dishes, on the Food Network.

Tits or ass, bro?

Most guys, at some point in their lives, have been asked this question. Supposedly, every man is either a “Tits guy” or an “Ass guy”.  But I wonder, how can it be that simple?  Is there no in between?

First of all, “Tits” and “Ass” is a little crude, right? I know my audience… we’re more mature than that. From now on, we’ll go with Breasts and Butt.  That’s my type of B&B!

Personally, I love both.  It’s hard to compare them; they just compliment each other so well! In one hand, you have a beautiful succulent Breast.  It’s really a thing of beauty, how can you say no? In the other hand, a piece of juicy tender Butt.  Firm on the outside, but plenty of give once you get in there.

You had me at hello.

When all’s said and done… you really can’t have one without the other.  The perfect barbecue has both T and A B and B.

Succulent chicken breasts and tender pork butt.

There’s nothing like gnawing on a freshly baked slice of delicious bread.  Throw a little butter on there (organic of course), maybe sprinkle a little salt on top (fine sea salt, duh), and you’ve got yourself a quality snack.  But once you’ve had top-notch bread, it truly is difficult to go back to eating everyday peasant bread. It’s just not satisfying anymore! Shmeh.

My Ma came to visit SF the other week and as we traditionally do, we stopped by the Ferry Building 4 times throughout the day and a half she was here.  The morning before her flight, we visited Acme Bread so she could bring home “a loaf or two”.  Good thing I brought her an extra suitcase, because the lady practically filled it up entirely with bread. An herb slab here, 2 loaves of pan au levain there, throw in a couple sourdough baguettes, and top it off with 4 sandwich rolls for good measure.

A good bakery is hard to come by, and Acme is among the best.

Now my sister and I have discussed opening our own bakery for quite some time. How are we qualified, you might ask. We both like bread… stop asking questions. Maybe it’s just talk, but I believe we’re both somewhat serious about the idea of starting a family bakery with top notch bread and pastries.  We haven’t ever really tried to make bread… but when there’s a will, there’s a way!

The pastry side of the operation is covered.  Our Ma makes some of the best desserts / pastries imaginable.  That’s not an opinion.  Lately, she’s been making these mini pies that are absolutely to die for. I love the little hole in each pie; you get to peek in and see the good filling that awaits! If we can get Ma to put her delicious pie holes on the menu, then I figure we’ll be on our way to a successful bakery!

It’s a ways down the road.  Obviously we’ve got to learn how to make bread first.  We need to convince our Ma that she’s not wasting her time making pie hole after pie hole. We need to find the perfect location. What we don’t need is a catchy name… we’ve already got that covered.  Be on the lookout for:

InBread: a family affair