Planning a first date can be a stressful event. Trust me… I’m practically a dating expert. The pressure of trying to plan the perfect first date can be overwhelming. Maybe you’re leaning towards a romantic candle lit dinner? How about conversation over a casual cup of coffee? Perhaps a daytime activity; such as a stroll through the park or hitting up the zoo? Well here’s my first piece of advice: the perfect first date is multi segmented. Yes, it includes more than 1 activity.

My dating expertise comes from countless afternoons of studying Roger Lodge and a plethora of couples appear on Blind Date. What I’ve learned is that 99% of dates ending with a trip to the hot tub were considered “successful” first dates. And how did they get to that hot tub? They spent the whole day together, laughing and bonding and usually getting wasted. Multi segmented dates are great because they can either A) flow together beautifully and end in a hot tub, or B) tell you all you need to know about said person, thus saving future time figuring out that your date is a douche-bag.

Now you might be asking “how on earth does this relate to your “food” blog”? Allow me to explain. And cool it on the questions, will ya?

I propose the ultimate first date scene: Meat & Greet; where a daytime petting zoo turns into an evening of fine dining.

Meat & Greet will truly be a one of a kind experience. A full petting zoo in the outdoor premises will house everything from chunky chickens to elongated elk, heck even some lanky llamas! Play around with the animals, take some pictures, and fall in love. When you’ve had enough of the funny stuff and are ready for the second segment of the date to begin, call one of our Meat & Greet butchers over to your favorite creature and behold the beauty of new age natural selection. You have our word, the killing will be done in a peaceful manner.

I know what you’re wondering: “How can this be successful if it’s exclusively for first dates”? Listen doofus, we don’t discriminate. We won’t ask you at the door for proof of it being a first date (although the awkward body language is typically a giveaway). In fact, I expect to receive just as many reservations for anniversaries as first dates. And if you want to make it a family event, then by all means, bring the kids along.

 Even better, there’s a communal hot tub on site for those really successful dates!

This is still a work in progress, but does anyone know any venture capitalists that may be interested?